The Parable of the Toilet Paper
Sep. 11th, 2013 05:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thetatianaThe Toilet Paper
A Satirical Allegorical LDS Feminist One-Act Play by Sister Anonymous
Scene: A classroom in an LDS chapel, day. BISHOP PATRIARCHY is cleaning the chalkboard. He is dressed in a bleach-stained BYU t-shirt and a pair of jeans.
Enter SISTER FEMINIST.
SISTER FEMINIST
Hi, Bishop Patriarchy!
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Oh, hey there, Sister Feminist. Thanks for coming out to help clean the chapel.
SISTER FEMINIST
Oh, no problem. Hey, I was just in the women’s restroom, and I noticed that we’re out of toilet paper. Do you know where I could find some more?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY has returned to cleaning the chalkboard.
SISTER FEMINIST
Bishop?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
What? Oh, sorry, I thought you were talking to somebody else. I just tuned out at “women.” What did you say?
SISTER FEMINIST
I said we’re out of toilet paper in the restroom.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Oh, no, we’re not. I was just in the restroom, and I checked. There’s plenty.
SISTER FEMINIST
You were just in the women’s restroom?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Of course not. Why would I go into the women’s restroom?
SISTER FEMINIST
Oh, I see where we’re getting mixed up. I was talking about the women’s. We’re out of TP.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I don’t think that can be right. We usually keep extra rolls on the lid of the toilet tank. If you check there, I’m sure you’ll find some.
SISTER FEMINIST
I already checked. We’re completely out.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
They may have fallen on the floor.
SISTER FEMINIST
I checked on the floor, too. I checked the whole bathroom.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I’m sure there’s got to be a few extra rolls in there. My wife’s never told me anything about running out of toilet paper.
SISTER FEMINIST
Well, your wife usually uses the family restroom, since she’s got the two little ones to wrangle.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Good point. But my daughter Jennifer never said anything about any problem, either.
SISTER FEMINIST
You have a daughter named Jennifer? I’ve never met her.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Yep! She’s a sophomore at the Y.
SISTER FEMINIST
THen she probably attends a BYU student ward, and uses their bathroom. I’m talking about our bathroom, in this building. I only noticed because I needed to use it, so I came to find a roll or two to restock while I was in there. Where do we keep the extra rolls?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
In the utility closet.
SISTER FEMINIST
Great! Thanks!
Exit SISTER FEMINIST. BISHOP PATRIARCHY returns to cleaning the chalkboard.
Enter SISTER FEMINIST.
SISTER FEMINIST
Hey, Bishop, do you have the key to the closet? It’s locked.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Yes, I’ve got it right here in my pocket.
SISTER FEMINIST
Great! Can I borrow it really quick?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I’m afraid not. The keys are my responsibility as the bishop. It’s one of the responsibilities of my calling to take care of them.
SISTER FEMINIST
Oh, I see. Well, maybe you should make a copy of the closet key and give it to Sister Collins. She’s the Relief Society President, after all, and she uses that bathroom. That way we could keep the bathroom stocked without having to bug you every time something ran out.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Already done!
SISTER FEMINIST
Really?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Yep! Sister Collins has a key to the closet.
SISTER FEMINIST
But I just passed her in the hallway, and she said she couldn’t open it, so I had to ask you.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Yes, that sounds right. She has the key to the handle lock, but I have the key to the deadbolt.
SISTER FEMINIST
Oh, I get it. So both of you have to be there to open the closet? I guess that’s a good way to make sure no supplies are wasted.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Oh, no. I’ve got a copy of the handle key, too.
SISTER FEMINIST
So why give Sister Collins a key she can’t use?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
It’s part of the responsibility of her calling.
SISTER FEMINIST
Huh? Well . . . never mind. Can you come unlock the closet for me so I can get some toilet paper?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I don’t think you need to worry about that.
SISTER FEMINIST
What?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
There’s a custodian who looks after all of the buildings in our stake. If the toilet paper has run low, he’ll take care of it.
SISTER FEMINIST
Well . . . can I get his number?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I’m not sure it’s a good idea for me to give out his personal number.
SISTER FEMINIST
But if I don’t call him, how will he know that we need him to come restock the bathrooms?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Well, you know, employees of the church approach their jobs just like callings. They’re entitled to the guidance of the Holy Ghost to help them know how to best fulfill their responsibilities.
SISTER FEMINIST
So . . . the Holy Ghost is going to tell him that we’re out of toilet paper?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
The Lord loves us, Sister Feminist, and he’s ready to help with even our smallest concerns and needs.
SISTER FEMINIST
But wouldn’t it be more effective . . . or at least faster . . . for me to call the custodian, instead of waiting for him to receive revelation on our bathroom?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
The Lord will take care of it. Have faith.
SISTER FEMINIST
But, Bishop, I need to pee! Today!
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Sister Feminist, I know it’s Saturday, but please remember that you’re in the house of the Lord. This isn’t really the place to be discussing bodily functions, even normal, natural ones.
SISTER FEMINIST
I don’t want to be discussing it! I want to be doing it! [Sighs.] Well, hey, I have an idea. If it’s really so much trouble to keep the restroom stocked, I’ll just get on the ward Facebook page this afternoon and ask the Relief Society sisters to each bring a roll or two from home. That should keep us supplied for a while.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I really don’t think that’s appropriate.
SISTER FEMINIST
Why the heck not?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
This is the Lord’s church. It’s organized according to His design. There are proper channels that need to be used. Organizing your own little group to try to “fix” things that you think are wrong with the church isn’t exactly what I’d call “sustaining your priesthood leaders.”
SISTER FEMINIST
Why would I want to support priesthood leaders who can’t take four seconds to let me have a roll of toilet paper? You know what? Forget it. I’ll just take a roll out of the men’s restroom.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
You can’t do that!
SISTER FEMINIST
Why not?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
It’s the men’s restroom.
SISTER FEMINIST
It’s Saturday. It’s not like there’s anyone in there. I’ll knock before I go in, just in case.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Sister Feminist, I understand you have some . . . well . . . “liberal” ideas, and I admit that you sometimes bring up important points, but that’s just a little bit extreme for me. I know I seem old-fashioned, but I like having separate restrooms for men and women. This whole free-for-all unisex bathroom idea just doesn’t fly with me.
SISTER FEMINIST
I have no problem with separate bathrooms! I’m normally a big fan! But right now the men’s is the only one with any toilet paper!
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I’m afraid that’s just not true. Men and women are equal in our church.
SISTER FEMINIST
Saying that doesn’t provide me with toilet paper! [Mutters.] Although writing it down might . . .
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
What was that?
SISTER FEMINIST
Nothing.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Well, I’m glad we had this conversation. How’s it going with your task of vacuuming the cultural hall? Would you like some help?
SISTER FEMINIST
You can find someone else to do it, because I’m going home to use my own bathroom.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
You’re . . . you’re leaving the church?
SISTER FEMINIST
What choice do I have?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
You always have a choice, Sister. Always. And right now, I think you’re choosing to be offended when no offense was meant.
SISTER FEMINIST
I’m not offended! I’m mad. I’m mad because I need to use the bathroom, and for that I need toilet paper, and you’re the only person I’m allowed to ask for help and you’re not even acknowledging my problem! If I can’t get toilet paper here, I’m going to have to look elsewhere.
Exit SISTER FEMINIST.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Remember that God loves you! You’re valued! Come back any time! Aside. I don’t understand why so many sisters keep leaving the church. Maybe we need to start assigning some talks on humility.
Exit.
A Satirical Allegorical LDS Feminist One-Act Play by Sister Anonymous
Scene: A classroom in an LDS chapel, day. BISHOP PATRIARCHY is cleaning the chalkboard. He is dressed in a bleach-stained BYU t-shirt and a pair of jeans.
Enter SISTER FEMINIST.
SISTER FEMINIST
Hi, Bishop Patriarchy!
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Oh, hey there, Sister Feminist. Thanks for coming out to help clean the chapel.
SISTER FEMINIST
Oh, no problem. Hey, I was just in the women’s restroom, and I noticed that we’re out of toilet paper. Do you know where I could find some more?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY has returned to cleaning the chalkboard.
SISTER FEMINIST
Bishop?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
What? Oh, sorry, I thought you were talking to somebody else. I just tuned out at “women.” What did you say?
SISTER FEMINIST
I said we’re out of toilet paper in the restroom.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Oh, no, we’re not. I was just in the restroom, and I checked. There’s plenty.
SISTER FEMINIST
You were just in the women’s restroom?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Of course not. Why would I go into the women’s restroom?
SISTER FEMINIST
Oh, I see where we’re getting mixed up. I was talking about the women’s. We’re out of TP.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I don’t think that can be right. We usually keep extra rolls on the lid of the toilet tank. If you check there, I’m sure you’ll find some.
SISTER FEMINIST
I already checked. We’re completely out.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
They may have fallen on the floor.
SISTER FEMINIST
I checked on the floor, too. I checked the whole bathroom.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I’m sure there’s got to be a few extra rolls in there. My wife’s never told me anything about running out of toilet paper.
SISTER FEMINIST
Well, your wife usually uses the family restroom, since she’s got the two little ones to wrangle.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Good point. But my daughter Jennifer never said anything about any problem, either.
SISTER FEMINIST
You have a daughter named Jennifer? I’ve never met her.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Yep! She’s a sophomore at the Y.
SISTER FEMINIST
THen she probably attends a BYU student ward, and uses their bathroom. I’m talking about our bathroom, in this building. I only noticed because I needed to use it, so I came to find a roll or two to restock while I was in there. Where do we keep the extra rolls?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
In the utility closet.
SISTER FEMINIST
Great! Thanks!
Exit SISTER FEMINIST. BISHOP PATRIARCHY returns to cleaning the chalkboard.
Enter SISTER FEMINIST.
SISTER FEMINIST
Hey, Bishop, do you have the key to the closet? It’s locked.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Yes, I’ve got it right here in my pocket.
SISTER FEMINIST
Great! Can I borrow it really quick?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I’m afraid not. The keys are my responsibility as the bishop. It’s one of the responsibilities of my calling to take care of them.
SISTER FEMINIST
Oh, I see. Well, maybe you should make a copy of the closet key and give it to Sister Collins. She’s the Relief Society President, after all, and she uses that bathroom. That way we could keep the bathroom stocked without having to bug you every time something ran out.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Already done!
SISTER FEMINIST
Really?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Yep! Sister Collins has a key to the closet.
SISTER FEMINIST
But I just passed her in the hallway, and she said she couldn’t open it, so I had to ask you.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Yes, that sounds right. She has the key to the handle lock, but I have the key to the deadbolt.
SISTER FEMINIST
Oh, I get it. So both of you have to be there to open the closet? I guess that’s a good way to make sure no supplies are wasted.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Oh, no. I’ve got a copy of the handle key, too.
SISTER FEMINIST
So why give Sister Collins a key she can’t use?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
It’s part of the responsibility of her calling.
SISTER FEMINIST
Huh? Well . . . never mind. Can you come unlock the closet for me so I can get some toilet paper?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I don’t think you need to worry about that.
SISTER FEMINIST
What?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
There’s a custodian who looks after all of the buildings in our stake. If the toilet paper has run low, he’ll take care of it.
SISTER FEMINIST
Well . . . can I get his number?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I’m not sure it’s a good idea for me to give out his personal number.
SISTER FEMINIST
But if I don’t call him, how will he know that we need him to come restock the bathrooms?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Well, you know, employees of the church approach their jobs just like callings. They’re entitled to the guidance of the Holy Ghost to help them know how to best fulfill their responsibilities.
SISTER FEMINIST
So . . . the Holy Ghost is going to tell him that we’re out of toilet paper?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
The Lord loves us, Sister Feminist, and he’s ready to help with even our smallest concerns and needs.
SISTER FEMINIST
But wouldn’t it be more effective . . . or at least faster . . . for me to call the custodian, instead of waiting for him to receive revelation on our bathroom?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
The Lord will take care of it. Have faith.
SISTER FEMINIST
But, Bishop, I need to pee! Today!
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Sister Feminist, I know it’s Saturday, but please remember that you’re in the house of the Lord. This isn’t really the place to be discussing bodily functions, even normal, natural ones.
SISTER FEMINIST
I don’t want to be discussing it! I want to be doing it! [Sighs.] Well, hey, I have an idea. If it’s really so much trouble to keep the restroom stocked, I’ll just get on the ward Facebook page this afternoon and ask the Relief Society sisters to each bring a roll or two from home. That should keep us supplied for a while.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I really don’t think that’s appropriate.
SISTER FEMINIST
Why the heck not?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
This is the Lord’s church. It’s organized according to His design. There are proper channels that need to be used. Organizing your own little group to try to “fix” things that you think are wrong with the church isn’t exactly what I’d call “sustaining your priesthood leaders.”
SISTER FEMINIST
Why would I want to support priesthood leaders who can’t take four seconds to let me have a roll of toilet paper? You know what? Forget it. I’ll just take a roll out of the men’s restroom.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
You can’t do that!
SISTER FEMINIST
Why not?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
It’s the men’s restroom.
SISTER FEMINIST
It’s Saturday. It’s not like there’s anyone in there. I’ll knock before I go in, just in case.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Sister Feminist, I understand you have some . . . well . . . “liberal” ideas, and I admit that you sometimes bring up important points, but that’s just a little bit extreme for me. I know I seem old-fashioned, but I like having separate restrooms for men and women. This whole free-for-all unisex bathroom idea just doesn’t fly with me.
SISTER FEMINIST
I have no problem with separate bathrooms! I’m normally a big fan! But right now the men’s is the only one with any toilet paper!
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
I’m afraid that’s just not true. Men and women are equal in our church.
SISTER FEMINIST
Saying that doesn’t provide me with toilet paper! [Mutters.] Although writing it down might . . .
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
What was that?
SISTER FEMINIST
Nothing.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Well, I’m glad we had this conversation. How’s it going with your task of vacuuming the cultural hall? Would you like some help?
SISTER FEMINIST
You can find someone else to do it, because I’m going home to use my own bathroom.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
You’re . . . you’re leaving the church?
SISTER FEMINIST
What choice do I have?
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
You always have a choice, Sister. Always. And right now, I think you’re choosing to be offended when no offense was meant.
SISTER FEMINIST
I’m not offended! I’m mad. I’m mad because I need to use the bathroom, and for that I need toilet paper, and you’re the only person I’m allowed to ask for help and you’re not even acknowledging my problem! If I can’t get toilet paper here, I’m going to have to look elsewhere.
Exit SISTER FEMINIST.
BISHOP PATRIARCHY
Remember that God loves you! You’re valued! Come back any time! Aside. I don’t understand why so many sisters keep leaving the church. Maybe we need to start assigning some talks on humility.
Exit.
